Good riddance, Google. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

This post is, in fact, not quite like the others. It is a parody of Fake Steve I wrote for parody week, so take it with a big grain of salt…

See here. Basically, the rockets scientists at Google have decided, after having used our WebKit for years in Chrome, that they, uh, suddenly did not need us any more and forked WebKit like the true leeches they are. Dude, we are the ones who found KHTML and made WebKit what it is, if it weren’t for us KHTML would only be known to three frigtards in west Elbonia and you would have had no engine to put in your hotrodded race car of a browser, so I guess, thanks for nothing, bastards.

Truth is, good riddance. Those know-it-alls at Google have been a pain in our ass ever since Chrome debuted. Where do I start? Like with V8. Oh God V8… I… uh…


Okay, I can’t do this. I can’t parody Fake Steve. I’ve got nothing on Dear Leader. He was pitch perfect, like, you would get the feeling the real Steve Jobs would be writing just for you in his secret diary, all the while being satiric and outrageous enough so that at some level you knew it was fake but at the same time the persona was so well maintained that you easily suspended disbelief and you could not help thinking Steve could have shared these opinions. And he was insightful, oh of course he was, like in the middle of some ludicrous story you would feel like you would be enlightened about the way the tech industry or the press or tech buyers worked, didn’t matter if it was made up because it was a way to thought-provoke us and make us think about how the sausage factory really worked inside. He was the perfect ying-yang of the old-school professional who has seen it all and who knows how it works behind the hype, and of the new media guy who can drop a bunch of paragraphs without a word limit on a whim on a subject he want to tackle, and is not afraid to try new things and new ways of storytelling. Favorites? Ah! Apple, the Old Borg, the New Borg, the Linux frigtards, the old dying press, these upstart bloggers, the consumers standing in line, PR flacks, software developers, no one was safe.

I can see him now, looking above me from wherever his is now, laughing at my pathetic attempt at reviving him, even for a minute. I know he is at peace there, meditating, waiting for his reincarnation, because oh yes, he will be reincarnated some day, in a different form: Fake Steve is buddhist too, he most certainly did not meet St Peter at the pearly gates, and he has unfinished business in this world, he was not done restoring a sense of childlike sarcastic wonder in our lives. I’m waiting, waiting for the day I will see a blog or webcomic or column, because Fake Steve has a sense of humor and may throw us all for a loop by reincarnating in the old press, or Twitter feed or animation (but not a Flash animation, there are limits), and I will see the telltale signs, the snark, the character play, the insightfulness, and I will think: “Yes, Fake Steve has been reincarnated.”

Meanwhile, Fake Steve, I know you are now in a better place and cannot come back as such, but if you could hear my prayer: Dan… has not been good lately, to put it mildly. So… could you try and inspire him a bit while he will be away from the echo chamber? Not for him to write as you, no, just so that when he eventually returns to us after having spent some time away from it all, he will write good things, no matter what they are. Because we can’t stand looking at him like this.

The Joy of Tech comic number 995: Yes, Virgil, there is a Fake Steve Jobs